Ode to the Omnivorous

  

      I always try to check myself; stay grounded.  I realized recently that I’d been a bit lax on this duty when it comes to my fellow citizens of the vegetarian and vegan variety.  I’d make occasional jokes, from using the term “tree-hugger” to making snide remarks about Birkenstock-clad, granola eating, tofu-loving folks listening to solar-powered iPods.  I knew that I meant no harm by these jokes; that my references to PETA and its ilk were light-hearted in nature; that when I called them “hirsute hippies” was nothing more than an alliterative term of endearment.  But then I thought about it, and I realized that I had been operating with unfair bias towards this group, and that the things I was saying were offensive. I'd do the whole corny "PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals" thing, or the hackneyed "For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three" and I'd share a guffaw or two with sensible people meat eaters over something that isn't really that funny.  There’s a time and place for joking; I don’t necessarily get offended every time someone tells a joke about black people, for example.  Or women.  But just because I have a good sense of humor doesn’t mean I should insult vegans.  Now, when I joke about vegans, I’m not joking about respectful, non-judgmental, “normal” vegans.  I’m talking about those people of the self-righteous, every-one-who-eats-meat-deserves-a-slow-and-agonizingly-painful-death variety. They really get on my nerves.  Watching PETA harass and harangue people is not my favorite pastime.  But still, I should make more of an effort not to laugh at their expense.  It’s just not nice, after all.

     Will I ever join the dark side (veganism)?  Never.  Will I ever comprehend how many of them, like renowned Professor Gary L. Francione, in his latest book Animals as Persons, believe that animals should be treated the exact same way as human beings, but yet people like him find it absurd that I think a fetus should have rights?  Never.  Will I ever understand why some of the extremists feel that it is acceptable to throw paint on people who are wearing fur?  Hell no.  (Although I also think that wearing fur is wrong).  It seems the only thing we agree on is that animals should not be tortured (though the term ‘torture’ can be subjective insofar as animals are concerned)—there’s some cruel shit going on nowadays as far as how animals are being raised before they reach the grocery stores. (don’t believe me?  Watch the documentary Food, Inc., which can be viewed illegally entirely on youtube).  So we may not agree on much (e.g., was Michael Vick’s jail sentence unreasonable?) but even crazy vegans deserve my respect, and that is something that I have not been offering them as much as I should.  I can spurn their radical ideas without mocking them in turn, even that lady who first glared at me for shooing a bee when it got near my food, and then proceeded to give an unsolicited mini-lecture to the entire table on how people should respect all living things.

     Yes, you read that correctly.  She got indignant over an insect.  There was a bee.  It flew near my food & beverage (and therefore me).    I raised my hand and briefly moved it back and forth in the direction of the bee to prevent it from getting in our drinks, on our plates, and to prevent it from putting its arse on me and using its stinger.  The pettifogger stopped her conversation mid-sentence to glare at me, and then when someone asked her about it, she went into some bullshit about how I could have hurt that poor bee by swatting at it; how I need to just leave it alone;  how every creature of the earth, big or small, is special (reminder: I didn’t kill the bee; I only tried to get it to fly away).  I apologized to her, respectfully, but inside I was confused at her overreaction and ire towards me.  And frankly, I didn't appreciate how she handled that situation by making me a spectacle at the conference table, where no doubt she and the rest of the radical liberal establishment seated next to me gleefully celebrated my being made an example of.  But, even that woman doesn't deserve to be made fun of except on this blog.  Seriously, I need to be more considerate of those who differ from me.  As tolerant as I am of different religions, races, genders, sexual orientations, gender identity, etc. I have a certain unmerited disdain for self-righteous vegans.  And tourists, but I'll post about that at a later date.    Is it because they're self-righteous?  Yeah, that's part of it.  I don't like self-righteous, supercilious people period, even in groups of which I am a part: examples include Christians, pro-life people, people who volunteer, non-smokers, etc.  But specifically, vegans and vegetarians of this sort really gets underneath my skin.

Her world, where bees are jolly and laughing, their gaiety rivaled only by their musical buzzing

My world, where bees who threaten my sense of well-being are killed and then eaten by ants

      Now, will I continue to eat meat?  And love it forever?  Of course.  I am an omnivore, though more carni than omni.  In a recent conversation that I had with one of my vegetarian friends, I stated (truthfully) that I have never gone more than 24 hours without eating meat.  Ok, perhaps I did when I was little; there might (emphasis on the word 'might') have been a time where I had fallen ill and went a few days on only toast and ginger-ale (one of Mom's ol' remedies). But seriously, I cannot remember going more than 24 hours without consuming some sort of meat product, and I would rather listen to the tunes of Milli Vanilli until the apocalypse than become a vegan (or shoot myself; whichever is worse).  But the point of this post is, there are ways for us to live in harmony, except at a barbecue.

In case it's too blurry, the caption reads "Animals have the right to be tasty."