Wow! I Actually Agreed with a Feminist

      I don't identify as a feminist and never will, much less a radical one.  I respect them as human beings and they have a right to their views (much like the KKK); however, I do not agree with much of what they have to say.  WIth that being said, however, I always try to educate myself on issues with which I do not agree.  I read feminist materials and websites and attend feminist speaking engagements (as long as they're free) to hear the other side.  Likewise, I educate myself on pro-death penalty stuff, pro-choice stuff, extreme animal rights stuff, and everything else I am against.  It is important to consider other viewpoints.  While I may be against the following: radical feminism, the death penalty, abortion, and equating animals to human beings, I am educated enough about the other side to affirm my beliefs (or, on occasion, to challenge or change my beliefs).
     So recently, I was reading feministing.com, the largest feminist website in the country.  I visit this site on a daily basis, sometimes nodding my head in agreement, but most of the time thinking "These chicks need to calm the fuck down."  Anyway, feministing.com posted a link to this article, which I then read.  I found that I concurred with the author.  In short, men can't drink certain beverages in public for fear of looking gay, lame, or like a woman.  They are doomed to forever consume alcohol that tastes absolutely disgusting going down their throats, or otherwise be subject to intense (and unfair) scrutiny, which will result in one of two things:  a) ridicule, or  b) refusal to consider the cranberry & vodka man as a potential romantic prospect.  The chance of you taking a woman home with you if you're a man drinking something like this

or this

  or, well... any of these

decreases exponentially with each sip that you take.  

But it got me to thinkin'.  (Here's where that feminist stuff comes in; I wasn't just rambling at the beginning; it all ties in.  I promise.)  I started thinking about how much pressure is put on men to be "manly."  Why should he take that shot of Bacardi 151 instead of the Peach Schnapps that he truly craves? Indeed, there's a lot of pressure on women too, but you must admit that in today's society, it's a lot more acceptable for a woman to act like a man than it is the other way around.  Case in point: when I was little, I played football and hockey with my older brother, I loved the Packers (still do! Cheesehead 'till I die), I played Legos, and did other stuff that might be viewed as "boy-things."  Granted, I took ballet and had an extensive Barbie collection, so I balanced out my slight tomboyishness with sugar, spice, and everything nice.  But still, what if my brother had taken ballet, or played with Barbies and then "balanced it out" by playing football too?  Or what if he hadn't played football at all and had just played dress up and had carried a murse all through life?  That wouldn't have worked.  My parents, cool as though they may be, would have tried to dissuade my brother from dressing up Ken and dancing pointe.  They would have worried and would have tried to steer him away from all that girly stuff.

     The pressure we put on men is unfair.  I'll admit, I've certainly been guilty of this.  I've said "Man Up" many times before, which assigns a gender to the trait of being tough.  (Oh Lord help me, I sound like One of Them (feminists)).  I've definitely stopped talking to a few guys in the past (romantically) because they were not assertive enough.  "I need a guy who's going to be a man."  I would say.  I may not judge guys for what drinks they order at a bar like the article discussed, but I realize that I have some dealbreakers that involve a guy doing things that are typically associated with girls.  For example, if Boyfriend arched his eyebrows, he and I would not be together.  Sorry, but I feel that arching is something only chicks should do, unless the man has a unibrow,  And even then, he should only fix the unibrow and should not do any actual arching.  Anyway, the feminists made their point, and they made me think.  Damn it!!!  I hate when that happens (not really, but still; I don't like admitting they're right.)   

     Men are supposed to be tough, and buff,  sexually active with a lot of hot girls.  They have to eschew any and all things that could ever be perceived as "gay", which many times manifests itself by being as much of a homophobic tool as they can muster.  If men cry, they are seen as weak.  If men back down from anything, they are called pussies or bitches.  If they have issues related to the crotch area (penis size, erectile dysfunction, stamina, etc.), they are made to feel like less than a man.  Many men can't even order salads without getting a side-eye.  People laugh at stay-at-home-dads.  Society is a fucking mess towards men. Women too, of course.  We have it bad!  However, men don't have it easy either.  I'm glad many feminists realize that.  I was pleasantly surprised that they took a break from male-bashing to present that point.

Enlgihs Majors

(first things first: yes, I intentionally misspelled ‘English’ in the title. It was meant to be funny.)




As you probably know, I majored in English Language and Literature, and I minored in Philosophy, when I was in college. This post is sort of a rant about what I experienced during those university years, and what I still experience, even as an alumna. (unintentional teachable moment: if you’re an English major you’d know that “alumni” is plural and alumna/alumnus is the singular form; so whenever people say “I’m an alumni of ______” they are speaking incorrectly, because there are many alumni and only one alumnus/alumna.”)

But I digress. Being an English major gets me very little respect. Everyone appreciates my rich vocabulary and ability to issue witty retorts in many situations, and many appreciate the fact that they can ask me “What does _______ mean?” and I will most likely know the answer. Friends also appreciate it when I write edit their papers for them. But the choice to actually concentrate in English in college elicits disapproval. While I don’t expect the same awed response that follows the statement, “I studied astrophysics,” I still don’t appreciate how many people treat English like it’s an easy, bullshit major that just anyone can be successful in. What’s more, I don’t appreciate the assumption that I am unintelligent because I chose to major in English and not Nuclear Engineering or something related to the medical field.

It takes work to be an English major. Like I said, if you’re in the sciences, I’m sure you had it harder than I did, but I had a lot of work too. The easy part was writing multiple papers every week, including some that were fifty pages long and reading dozens of books (some of which were esoteric and contained language that only an English major or a book nerd could comprehend) every semester. The hard part was reading things in Old English. No, “Old English” is not Shakespeare. Shakespeare is easy. (although some of you Biology majors may not be able to comprehend that either) Old English precedes Shakespeare by a few hundred years. Old English is like another language. You try reading stuff like Paradise Lost, Faustus, Redcrosse Knight, or the Faerie Queene in its original form and see if it doesn’t make your head spin.

 Or, try reading Medieval English, which comes a little before Old English. Reading stuff from the Middle Ages in its original form takes even more skill.  For example, try reading the Lord's prayer in Middle English:


Fæder ure þu þe eart on heofonum

Si þin nama gehalgod

to becume þin rice

gewurþe ðin willa

on eorðan swa swa on heofonum.

urne gedæghwamlican hlaf syle us todæg

and forgyf us ure gyltas

swa swa we forgyfað urum gyltendum

and ne gelæd þu us on costnunge

ac alys us of yfele soþlice



Have I now earned your respect, motherfucker?


The assumption that I am somehow less intelligent because I chose to follow my passion and study English instead of opting to impress my peers by going to the school of medicine or architecture is unfair. I majored in English, but I also had to take math and science classes, all of which I was successful in (except that one where I only went to class twice the whole semester). Moreover, my high school offered eight AP classes, and I took six of them, which was more than any other student in school. The only APs that my school offered that I did not take were Spanish (I was already taking AP French) and Economics (I had no interest in it). I have been in schools for gifted students (albeit public, all-black schools in the 'hood) my entire life. So, I’m a pretty smart cookie. Don’t assume that I majored in English to take the “easy way out.”

I don’t regret majoring in English for several reasons, some of which include:

1) I know more big words than you will probably know in your lifetime. Ha-ha. I can be a pretentious little shit if I want to, throwing around words like filiopietistic, feckless, or fecund in regular conversation (although 99% of the time when I speak I am not trying to be the aforementioned pretentious shit; obscure words just pour out of me naturally). This can come in handy when meeting people for the first time who you want to impress: potential employers, the boyfriend’s parents, and the many students who assumed that I only got into college because of Affirmative Action, and some of the other people who have told me that they are so surprised that I am articulate and from Detroit (read: black).

2) While certain subjects like Calculus and Chemistry will never be useful to me in my profession and are only useful to certain people, English is useful to everyone no matter their job, because you will always need to know how to write, whether it is a resume, personal statement, cover letter, a written response of any kind, etc. So, while everyone needs to know how to read and write, I will never need to know how to do logarithms. Granted, everyone needs to know basic math skills too, but my point has been made: English is universal.

3) I can write well. This is a useful skill that people take for granted. Many people can’t put two sentences together properly. Writing takes talent. While some people are struggling to write essays for graduate school, I am not quite as stressed about that aspect of it. I'm stressed about my grades in certain classes, which reflect my laziness and poor attendance.

4) It’s more conducive to procrastination: See, while most of my friends in the sciences had homework due on a daily or almost daily basis, my papers were often assigned with ample time for completion. So, while I do have homework every day in terms of assigned reading, I may not have anything that I actually have to turn in to that particular professor for a couple of weeks. I suppose, then, that I can reluctantly admit that there is a certain level of bullshitting of which you can take advantage.

5) It’s fun. It’s more than reading D.H. Lawrence or pointing out misplaced apostrophe’s <---(like that one). It’s more than being anal about ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re’ or knowing when to use the word ‘farther’ and when to use the word ‘further’. It’s more than being disappointed that the song “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette does not give any real examples of irony, only examples of unfortunate circumstances. Being an English major is engaging, informative, it’s fun. I’m a nerd and a bookworm, and I love language.

So before you judge an English major, remember this post.  Don't assume that we are dumb or that we wasted our lives.  Thank you.

But you ain’t married though!!!

If a guy approaches me and strikes up conversation in an effort to ask for my number/ask me out on a date/issue an inappropriate sexual proposition which I decline in the most respectful way possible, I always tell the truth: “I have a boyfriend.” Or, in an attempt to boost his ego if he is unattractive, I might say, “You’re cute, but I have a boyfriend.” In my head, this should translate to: CASE CLOSED. However, for some reason, occasionally some bloke will probe even further still, and then ask me out again. I will, again, remind him that I am in a relationship, and I do not even give out my phone number, let alone go out on dates with other people.


This brings me to the title of today’s post. Several times I have disclosed my relationship status, only to hear “But you ain’t married though!!” Or, if he happens to use proper English (not that I’m picky about slang; I’m from Detroit after all), he’ll say, “You’re not married.” or “It’s not like you have a husband!” Yeah, I get that I haven’t said any vows in front of God and man to consecrate my relationship, but that doesn’t give me (or anyone) the o.k. to cheat on my significant other. Yeah it might be “more” wrong to cheat on a spouse than on a boyfriend or girlfriend, but the ethical issues still apply, even in the absence of a marriage license. However, moral implications are not the only thing that should give someone pause when trying to court someone who is already dating/in love with someone else. There are a few things to consider:

1) It’s wrong (we already covered that) and there is no argument you could give that could make it right to pursue someone who is already taken*

2) I know it sounds lame, but how would you feel if you had a girl and some guy was relentless in trying to push up on her? You wouldn’t like it, right? So don’t do it to that other guy.

3) If I actually gave out my number and started talking to/hanging out with/dating another guy while I am in a relationship with Boyfriend, then the other guy I was talking to would never be able to trust me. Likewise, if I tried to talk to a guy with a girlfriend and he took the bait, I would never believe that he could be faithful. If he screwed her over, he’d probably do the same to me.

4) It looks bad. Yeah, every now and then I am flattered by a guy’s comments, and sometimes I find myself thinking, “Wow he must really be into me if he doesn’t care that I have a boyfriend.” But even if I am flattered, it just looks really bad to me. In my opinion, it’s not a good first impression. It reflects poorly on your character (I’m not saying if you try to be a homewrecker that you’re a bad person; I’m just saying that going off of a first impression, I will make certain assumptions, which may or may not be accurate, and that I am not impressed by you).

5)  Most of the time, it just looks like you don’t give a shit about the other person on whose relationship you wish to intrude. But sometimes, it looks desperate. Like, can’t you find any single women you could approach? I spent like 20 minutes in line talking to this guy last week, half of which he spent trying to convince me that since I wasn’t married, I had no obligation to be faithful to my boyfriend of three years. It was as if, since there was no ring on my finger, I was not governed by any ordinances that accompany wedlock. The fact that he also ignored a considerable age difference (he was at least 30 years my senior) is irrelevant, but I’ll add that little tidbit just because I feel like it. He does get points for ignoring racial differences, however. I am always pleasantly surprised on the rare occasion that I am approached by a white guy. If I was single and he had not been a person who could probably recall where he was when JFK was shot, I would have given him my number. However, I love Boyfriend and I’m trying to go there with Mr. Centrum Silver.



In short, “But you ain’t married though!!” and any related pick-up line, is not a valid reason why I should do something that (I feel) is immoral.

*UNLESS that person is in an open relationship (which I don't believe in anyway). Otherwise, you’re wrong and you know it

Giving back the Ring... And other things

So a while back, before I started this blog, I came across this story about a guy who was suing his ex-wife. For money? No. For custody of the kids? Not that I know of. Nay, he took her to court to get his kidney back following the divorce. I’m shocked that this story didn’t become more of a cause-celebre. Apparently, he had been a match for her (which is quite rare) and, because he loved his spouse, decided to serve as a donor. So, she gets the transplant, all is well. But then, in physical therapy, she falls for her trainer and has an affair with him. (Sometimes, life can sound like soap opera). Her husband saved her life, and she sleeps with another guy. THEN she files for divorce. Evil  ass broad. There are so many things wrong with that picture. Anyway, apparently, hell hath no fury like a kidney donor scorned, because now he is taking legal matters into his hands in efforts to reclaim his organ. Now, this is just ridiculous. Sure, he’s pissed off, but you can’t just ask for an organ back, right? In conversations, some people agreed with me, some didn’t. But it got me thinking: what can you ask for after a relationship ends? I think a woman should give back a ring if the engagement is called off, but there is some dissension with that belief as well. I think that some things should be given back, but I don’t agree that you should ask someone to return those items back to you. It seems immature after a relationship to be like, “Hey, you know that iPod I gave you for Christmas? I want it back now!!!” It looks very petty. However, you can make a case for some things (like wedding rings, family heirlooms, etc.)


I understand this guy’s anger. If I gave Ryan one of my kidneys (keep in mind that without it he would die) and on top of that, put myself at risk for serious complications (yes, you can live with only one kidney, but it puts your body through some turmoil that is rarely made known to the general public and oft-ignored). Moreover, as with any other surgery (especially one this invasive), I could die on the operating table. So, suppose I put my health and life at risk to save Ryan’s life, and then he sleeps with his personal trainer? Probably some Chyna/Stephanie McMahon/Jillian whatever her name is, yeah that mean lady wannabe. I’d be pissed! I would want that kidney back too.  I'd also want to castrate him. But I wouldn’t go to court over it. That’s just preposterous.

So what can you ask to be returned to you after a breakup? The XBox she bought for you? His old t-shirt that you wear to bed? The Golden Retriever? Share your thoughts in the Comments section.