BFF Application

    I am now accepting applications for Best Friend.  Sadly, I don't have one.  I mean, The Fiance is definitely my best friend, but I need a best girl-friend.  I used to have one, but we had a fight back in 2007 and, as she is the most unforgiving person in the entire world, we are no longer best friends.  It wasn't even like I did anything awful or betrayed her in some way.  I just got angry with her and said something mean, and five years later she still hasn't let it go.  It upsets me because I have known her for over half of my life and I really miss her.  We still talk from time to time and even hang out every now and then, but those times are few and far between.  And when we do hang out, it sometimes feels forced.  Strained.  Awkward.  It wasn't always that way, so it's unfortunate that this is where we are now.
     Anyway, I need someone to be That Person.  The Fiance is my Person and he will always come first in the BFF hierarchy, but I need a chick in my life who is that close second.  The one I talk on the phone to daily, gabbing about everything and nothing; the one I call if I need to laugh/cry/get reassurance/seek advice from/trade stories/exchange clothes/make poor decisions with.  I have some kick-ass female friends and I love them to death, but no one has gotten close enough to be in that best friend spot.  Thus, since I am lonely and bored and have nothing better to do except, oh, you know, apply for jobs/ graduate school, do laundry, plan my wedding, I have created an application to be my best friend.  It's not serious, of course (first of all, I hate the term 'BFF' with all of my soul), but it's a good place to start.  My favorite number is 13, so here are 13 questions that will determine whether you are qualified to be my comrade--> (regular or Communist, makes no difference).  If only there was an eHarmony equivalent for finding best friends instead of bed mates.

The BFF (Best Friend Forever) Application

1) Are you a nice person?  If the answer is 'no', will you be nice to me?  (I have some friends who are assholes to other people but who are nice to me.  This is acceptable, though I disapprove).

2) How old are you?  Being a bit younger or older isn't a deal breaker, but I'm reluctant to have Justin Bieber's classmate as a sidekick.  This isn't a Batman/Robin type of situation.  I already mentor kids; I need a best friend.  Likewise, if you're a member of AARP then you may apply to be my BFF, but just know that we probably won't be able to drink together because you can't mix alcohol and Estroven pills.

3) Do you know the difference between "your" and "you're"?  If the answer is no, kindly sitchoazzdown, please.  I am sorry.  Truly, I'm very tolerant when it comes to other things (even other grammar mistakes!), but the your/you're issue is a deal breaker.

4) Race/ethnicity does not matter to me, but if you are selected and are not black, are you willing to make an effort to laugh at my occasional cultural jesting and use of slang and urban colloquialisms, e.g., any of the following: "C.P. time", "Grape drink", "dinnamug", or "hoodrat";  or if I use words such as: saditty (adj.), rachet (adj.), or debo (v.)/ (n.). will you give me a blank stare in return?  It's totally ok; just let me know if you want me to prepare a glossary for your personal use.  Some of my white friends ask me "What does [insert ghetto term here] mean?" and I am more than happy to define any terms for you.

5) Are you funny?

6) Do you like to talk on the phone?  How often?  Do you like to talk, period?

7)  The Fiance is attractive.  Do you agree that you will not come on to him?  I only ask because a few years ago I was cool with this whore girl and then she tried to seduce him.

8) Do you like bacon?  There is only one right answer.

9) Do you know how to borrow things? i.e., when I get my stuff back, will it still be intact and in good condition?

10) Will you be there for me when I need you, even in my darkest hour?

11) Do you hate something about your body or your life, and are you willing to discuss it with me?  If not, then good for you, but we will have a more difficult time with the initial bonding phase.

12) Are you sane?  Like, on a scale of 1 to Gary Busey, how crazy are you?

13) Humans are imperfect.  This is the nature of man.  You're going to do something that I don't like, and (as wonderful as I am), I might do something that makes you want to bludgeon me to death as well.  In order to be in any serious relationship, whether that is a bosom buddy or a spouse, you have to know how to forgive and you have to be willing to forgive.  On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how forgiving are you?

My Timeline

     As I tiptoe towards the age of twenty-four, I realize that I have not accomplished all that I wanted to accomplish at this age.  I realize that I am still quite young by most standards, including my own; however, that does not change the fact that I had hoped that I would be somewhere else (geographically, professionally and otherwise) by now.  I like a certain degree of spontaneity in my life, but I had all of the major things planned out.  While I know that life never goes exactly the way that you expect or want it to go, I can't help but notice that everyone in my circle of friends seem to have their shit together more than others. And by others, I mean me.  I can't help but feel pangs of jealousy as I stalk people's Facebook pages survey the lives of others.  Lately, I have avoided phone and face-to-face contact with certain people because all it does is remind me of who I am, or rather who I am not.  I even get jealous of The Fiance occasionally, which makes me uncomfortable; experiencing feelings that are at once both amorous and envious is altogether foreign to me.  To a certain extent, what I am going through is normal; most people say things like, "Before I turn 35, I'd like to be married" or "I want to get my Master's Degree by the year 2015."  But my problem is that I dwell too much on what I haven't done, so much so that I feel like a failure for not having reached those goals (especially when other people have accomplished so much).  I definitely don't want to lose sight of my ambition, but it is neither healthy nor productive to punish myself like a Flagellant for not being all that I set out to be--especially if I'm trying to adhere to some deadline that I set for myself.  
     If I'm lucky, I've got a good 60-70 years left on this earth (provided I don't die early from a heart attack due to my love of unhealthy food and a sedentary lifestyle).  I need to accept the fact that I still have plenty of time to make things happen. For most things I want to do, it's not too late.

I'm looking to add a bit more to this timeline

Music Monday

It's that time again.

Sade, "Cherish the Day"

Music Monday

So, since I forgot to do Music Monday last week, I'll be posting not one but two songs today in order to make up for it.  Enjoy.


Radiohead, "Everything In Its Right Place"--One of my favorite songs ever.  First heard it on the movie Vanilla Sky, which kind of sucked  wasn't the greatest film but the soundtrack was pretty good.

Childish Gambino, "Freaks and Geeks"  Warning: Profanity, Vulgarity, Racially insensitive remarks, sexism. Basically, I'm issuing the same disclaimers that I would for any rap/hip-hop song--unless the lyrics are by Will Smith, whose street cred has been the subject of much derision over the years.

The Truman Show

   There was this movie that came out in 1998 called The Truman Show starring Jim Carrey in a more serious role.  He plays Truman Burbank, a man who came into the world as an unwanted child and was adopted by a television network.  His whole life from that moment was then filmed without his knowledge and consent.  Truman has now reached the age of 30 and then everything begins to unfold.  I won't go into too much detail in case you haven't seen it yet and would like to watch it.


     Even as a young girl, I was a very thoughtful person.  I thought: what if my life was like that?  What if every second of every day of my life had been recorded for the amusement of others?  For ratings, essentially.  What if my whole life was a lie?  Everyone is a paid actor:  My family.  My friends.  My significant other.   The townspeople.  My teachers.  And, my teachers are not only actors, but they have been instructed to teach me that there is nothing else out there beyond  my small town, just in case I ever considered a change in geographical location.  What if every time I had cooked bacon in my undergarments while singing pop songs was caught on camera? What if millions around the country could see me pull out a wedgie?  What if my first kiss had been captured on video, and they zoomed in on my tentative expression and the fact that I apparently moved my head around way too much <---(this is what I was told after the fact).  I'd be mortified, and devastated, and humiliated.  And I'd be ready to kill somebody.  I think what was done to Truman was unethical, and I'd be surprised if he didn't suffer a psychotic break after discovering that his whole world was just a huge set in a studio.

     The Truman Show is also interesting in its social commentary.  The glass window that allowed us to look into Jim Carrey's charmingly simplistic provincial life also served as a mirror that reflected our voyeuristic culture.  And this movie was made back in '98, when reality shows were just starting to take off.  I think the film is even more salient now as we have abandoned most scripted shows in favor of more "reality" TV.

Random and weird

I get such enjoyment out of purging e-mails from my inbox, especially the Spam.  Though the enjoyment is not at an unhealthy level and there's no cause for concern, I think I like doing it a little too much.

I accomplished nothing...

...on my to-do list for today.  Perhaps I will amend the list to include "write blog post" so that I can at least cross off something.

Your opinions of my wedding planning are appreciated, but...

So my wedding is next year and, in conversations I've had recently, some things have come up.  It seems that people have some expectations, which is normal.  I am (mostly) conventional in other areas, so it makes sense that folks assume that I'm going to do certain things.  Most things about my wedding will meet people's expectations and will be the standard.  However, there are a few things that people want or expect me to comply with that I plan to ignore:

1) Cover my tattoos-- Sorry.  I don't care if you think they look classless with a wedding dress.    The only person I would consider covering my tattoos for is The Fiance, and he loves them.  You know what might also look bad? Smearing layer upon layer makeup all over your skin to cover your tattoos in order to achieve that "airbrushed" look, and then having makeup come off on your dress or on your new husband's hands.  My tattoos aren't large, colorful, or offensive anyway.  I don't have anyone's name tattooed on me, not even the man I'm marrying.  I know it's going to rub some people the wrong way (people's image of a blushing bride doesn't usually include ink) but too bad.  I'm going to have a traditional dress in a traditional church with a very long, traditional veil, but I'm also going to show my body modifications.  This also includes showing my piercings, which are likewise small and hardly noticeable.  You know why?  Because that's me.  I'm conservative at heart but I definitely have a little edge, which I'm sure you've gathered by the amount of swear words featured on this blog.

2) Wear heels--Nope.  No way.  Ignoring from the fact that I am six feet tall in a standard pair of heels and I don't walk well in them, I also want to be comfortable.  Even in college I wore flats 99% of the time, shaking my head with sympathy at the girls who winced in agony, each step sending a jolt of pain through their bodies during their walk of shame as the night wore on.  With the exception of the rare comfortable heel (finding a pair of comfy heels is akin to finding the Holy Grail), these shoes often put women through hell, leaving our feet all red, swollen and blistered.  No thanks.  Heels are cute but not worth the torture, especially because people expect me to dance the night away, which leads me to my next point.

3) The First Dance (as husband and wife)-- No.  It's possible that I might bend on this, but I'd rather not.  In most instances, I really don't like having all eyes on me.  Therefore it does not appeal to me to have an audience of over a hundred people looking at me and The Husband while we cascade about without anyone else on the dance floor to draw attention away from my awkwardness.  It's not because I can't dance.  I'm black so it's in my blood, after all.  It's just that I don't want everyone looking at me for that long.  Let's say the average song is about 4 minutes.  That's going to seem like an eternity if I am made to be a spectacle.  I plan to dance at the wedding, don't get me wrong.  I  just don't want to boogie if there's no one else around.  Then it feels like a performance instead of a fun activity.  The Fiance is totally on board with this one; he doesn't want the spotlight either.  I'm already going to have people gawking at me (and my disgraceful tattoos!) as I walk down the aisle; must I add to my misery?


4) Jump the broom-  Nobody who has known me for more than five minutes really expects me to do this (while I am proud of my culture and the rich historical legacy of the African diaspora and I grew up in the hood, I don't really uphold many--and by 'many' I mean 'any'--black traditions). In spite of that, a few people have still asked if I plan to include this in the ceremony. Yes, it's an old African-American tradition....  Rooted in slavery.  I've been to some black weddings where this has taken place.  Nothing wrong with it, if that's what you want.  But for me?  No thanks.  I'd rather leave slave traditions in the past.  There are other ways to incorporate black culture into my wedding, although the "blackest" thing about my nuptials will likely be an Al Green song.

F***ing Valentine's Day Cards

This year, or so it seems, finding a Valentine's Day card for The Fiance' that's not terribly corny, poorly written, or overly saccharine is like:

a) Going to eat at a Denny's restaurant that's actually clean

b) PCs making a comeback I can stick it to pretentious Mac users without looking foolish

c) Finding a movie starring Kevin Costner in which he displays a range of emotion

d) All of the above


Conclusion: It would be great if it actually happened, but it's pretty damn near impossible.

This holiday is overrated anyway, but me and my fella still hang out together and do something small.  And, I always get him two cards: a really silly card and a 'you mean the world to me/what would I do without you?/you complete me' type of card.  This year, it's been difficult to find worthy selections.  If I'm going to pay $5.99 ($6.99 in Canada!) for cardstock with glitter on it, is it too much to ask that the message NOT SUCK?   Maybe in the near future I'll try to write cards for a living.  I might as well, since I've been utterly failing at life recently (I'll post more about this later).

Last year for V-Day my guy bought a shit ton of takeout and we watched my favorite movie.  GREAT Valentine's Day in my book.  The combination of food and film made me fall deeper in love. I owe it to him to at least get a nice card.

Music Monday

I could listen to this all day.  It's one of my favorite songs of all fucking time, and The Lord of the Rings films are certainly in my top faves, and takes the #1 spot as far as trilogies are concerned.

On another note, I'd really like to learn to speak Elvish.  Fluently.     True Life: I am a nerd.

Enjoy :)

"Evenstar" from the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers soundtrack.  Composed by Howard Shore.

I don't give a shit

About the Superbowl.  Ever*



*Unless the Packers are playing

An Exercise in Futility...

Trying to convince the guy who does my taxes that bacon is indeed tax-deductible...