BFF Application

    I am now accepting applications for Best Friend.  Sadly, I don't have one.  I mean, The Fiance is definitely my best friend, but I need a best girl-friend.  I used to have one, but we had a fight back in 2007 and, as she is the most unforgiving person in the entire world, we are no longer best friends.  It wasn't even like I did anything awful or betrayed her in some way.  I just got angry with her and said something mean, and five years later she still hasn't let it go.  It upsets me because I have known her for over half of my life and I really miss her.  We still talk from time to time and even hang out every now and then, but those times are few and far between.  And when we do hang out, it sometimes feels forced.  Strained.  Awkward.  It wasn't always that way, so it's unfortunate that this is where we are now.
     Anyway, I need someone to be That Person.  The Fiance is my Person and he will always come first in the BFF hierarchy, but I need a chick in my life who is that close second.  The one I talk on the phone to daily, gabbing about everything and nothing; the one I call if I need to laugh/cry/get reassurance/seek advice from/trade stories/exchange clothes/make poor decisions with.  I have some kick-ass female friends and I love them to death, but no one has gotten close enough to be in that best friend spot.  Thus, since I am lonely and bored and have nothing better to do except, oh, you know, apply for jobs/ graduate school, do laundry, plan my wedding, I have created an application to be my best friend.  It's not serious, of course (first of all, I hate the term 'BFF' with all of my soul), but it's a good place to start.  My favorite number is 13, so here are 13 questions that will determine whether you are qualified to be my comrade--> (regular or Communist, makes no difference).  If only there was an eHarmony equivalent for finding best friends instead of bed mates.

The BFF (Best Friend Forever) Application

1) Are you a nice person?  If the answer is 'no', will you be nice to me?  (I have some friends who are assholes to other people but who are nice to me.  This is acceptable, though I disapprove).

2) How old are you?  Being a bit younger or older isn't a deal breaker, but I'm reluctant to have Justin Bieber's classmate as a sidekick.  This isn't a Batman/Robin type of situation.  I already mentor kids; I need a best friend.  Likewise, if you're a member of AARP then you may apply to be my BFF, but just know that we probably won't be able to drink together because you can't mix alcohol and Estroven pills.

3) Do you know the difference between "your" and "you're"?  If the answer is no, kindly sitchoazzdown, please.  I am sorry.  Truly, I'm very tolerant when it comes to other things (even other grammar mistakes!), but the your/you're issue is a deal breaker.

4) Race/ethnicity does not matter to me, but if you are selected and are not black, are you willing to make an effort to laugh at my occasional cultural jesting and use of slang and urban colloquialisms, e.g., any of the following: "C.P. time", "Grape drink", "dinnamug", or "hoodrat";  or if I use words such as: saditty (adj.), rachet (adj.), or debo (v.)/ (n.). will you give me a blank stare in return?  It's totally ok; just let me know if you want me to prepare a glossary for your personal use.  Some of my white friends ask me "What does [insert ghetto term here] mean?" and I am more than happy to define any terms for you.

5) Are you funny?

6) Do you like to talk on the phone?  How often?  Do you like to talk, period?

7)  The Fiance is attractive.  Do you agree that you will not come on to him?  I only ask because a few years ago I was cool with this whore girl and then she tried to seduce him.

8) Do you like bacon?  There is only one right answer.

9) Do you know how to borrow things? i.e., when I get my stuff back, will it still be intact and in good condition?

10) Will you be there for me when I need you, even in my darkest hour?

11) Do you hate something about your body or your life, and are you willing to discuss it with me?  If not, then good for you, but we will have a more difficult time with the initial bonding phase.

12) Are you sane?  Like, on a scale of 1 to Gary Busey, how crazy are you?

13) Humans are imperfect.  This is the nature of man.  You're going to do something that I don't like, and (as wonderful as I am), I might do something that makes you want to bludgeon me to death as well.  In order to be in any serious relationship, whether that is a bosom buddy or a spouse, you have to know how to forgive and you have to be willing to forgive.  On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how forgiving are you?