The Celebrity Pass

First of all, it's good to be back.  I took a break from writing for a while, but I have returned to amuse, anger, or tug at your heartstrings once again.

Today's post is about what I like to call The Celebrity Pass.  Basically, as I'm sure you guessed, the Pass refers to celebrities being granted carte blanche to do whatever the hell they please.  The Pass is wholly undeserved; being rich, famous and beautiful should not entitle anyone to special treatment.  But this is the fucked up society that we live in, so people can get away with anything. I'm so glad we have such wonderful role models to look up to in America.  Here's my list of some of the people who have abused their Pass more egregiously than others:

Carlos Estevez is losing

1) Charlie Sheen
Who else would I begin with?  He's all over the news now, dripping his arrogance-driven drivel; boasting that he is "winning." Really, Charlie? Because most of the world (if they're sane) thinks that you are LOSING.  This guy has been doing drugs for years (illegal), and admitted to being with a prostitute (reminder: also illegal) when the latest craze broke out about him.  But worst of all, he has been physically abusive to every woman with whom he has been romantically involved.  He shot one and beat the others, and has had many restraining orders taken out against him.  Prosecution of domestic violence doesn't happen nearly as often as it should.  This is a huge flaw in our judicial system; I'm not surprised that Sheen gets away with everything in a nation that refuses to protect vulnerable women.  But after three different women filing a police report, countless others making informal complaints, and Sheen's unconvincing denial of these allegations, I expect a jail sentence.  Yeah, he's funny and all (most celebrity trainwrecks are amusing), but he hits women.  So I can't stand behind him.  Which brings me to


2)  Chris Brown 

My, how wholesome he appears here!  Looks can be deceiving...    

Listen, I'm not trying to pick on Chris that much here.  He grew up witnessing the abuse of his mother , which no doubt contributed to his own fucked up-edness when he reached adulthood (though this is no excuse).  This post isn't about how awful he treated Rihanna, but instead how he was privileged enough to receive that golden Pass that allowed him to keep performing, selling millions of albums, and retain his legion of fans and groupies.  I'm not saying that everyone should castigate him for the rest of his life, but after beating his girlfriend to a pulp, he got a slap on the wrist (community service and anger management classes).  First of all, community service shouldn't be  a punishment.  And second of all, there's no way that he'd get such leniency if he wasn't the Chris Brown, but was still Christopher Brown from Tappahanock, Virginia.


3) Kobe Bryant                   
Did Kobe rape the girl?  I'm not sure, but it's possible.  The point is, everyone was quick to say that the woman was lying.  "Kobe can get any girl he wants; he doesn't have to rape anybody," was what people said.  Or, "She went up to the room with a celebrity.  She knew exactly what she was doing.  She wanted sex."  Women of regular, non-famous guys already face victim-blaming and people/juries who don't believe them, but the victims (alleged and real) of celebrities are never taken seriously (which is awful).  Just because a person is famous doesn't mean they aren't capable of violating a woman (or a groupie. Yeah, I said it!).    Another interesting point: only in a world that turns celebs into deities could we have a black man walk away sans punishment after a white woman cried rape.  Kobe Bryant narrowly avoided the "Black men are all dangerous rapists" meme because he is a celeb.  Too bad the Scottsboro Boys and Emmett Till didn't play for the Lakers.  I'm not saying Kobe is guilty, but the point is, people didn't even believe it was possible because of his fame, fortune, and free throws.  Or worse, they considered it, but didn't care.



4) Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay, having a grand ol' time

Before, there was the underage drinking (ok, I can see how you can look the other way with that one), the cocaine, and the DUI.  All she basically had to do was go to rehab (which seems like a rite of passage for the rich and famous), then she fucked up again. If I had a rap sheet like that, I'd be on my best behavior--which in this case, should have bordered on the sycophantic. Instead, she looked like an asshole by writing "fuck you" on her nails in the courtroom--a gesture which did not go unnoticed by the press or the judge.  That was the trial for her drug and alcohol problems and probation violation.  Now she's been accused of stealing a necklace from a high-end store.  As if she didn't have enough problems, she decides to add felony shoplifting to the list?  What an idiot.  C'mon, Linds.  Get it together.   P.S. I don't like you as much as a blonde.  One of your nicknames is "firecrotch" for a reason.


5) Paris Hilton

Call me cruel but I laugh almost
every time I see this picture

Oh, Paris.  I was amazed when you were actually sentenced to spend some time in jail.  I thought that maybe this time, you wouldn't be treated as though you were above the law.  I was wrong.  You spent a few days in jail before you acted like a crybaby and were then allowed to spend the rest of your time on house arrest.  If I landed in jail, I'd be crying too with that same expression of anguish on my face.  I'm not saying everyone handles being incarcerated like a big girl.  But I, unlike you, would still be behind bars because I don't have a Pass that lets me whine and automatically get sent home.  The rest of us actually have to accept responsibility for our crimes.  So lucky you, Paris.  You're out of jail, still perpetuating the idea that being nit-witted and narcissistic are virtues rather than vices. You have "written" a book, you're promoting your "album," and you have a perfume line.  What's it called?  I forgot.  Is it  Eau de Vapid?  And, after you got out of that stint in jail for the DUI, you got caught at an airport with some weed.



6) R. Kelly 

The Boondocks highlights Kelly's loyal fanbase

Hardly anyone cares that he a brief marriage with a fifteen-year-old Aaliyah, or that he had sex with a fourteen-year-old and urinated on her (all caught on that famous tape).  Yeah, he's a perv and all, but he gave us hundreds of good (and if not good, then definitely...er, interesting) songs.  From Dedicated to Honey Love, from Ignition to Contagious, and Trapped in the Closet (Parts 1-83) we move our heads to the beats, forgetting that he is the king of golden showers.  Does he deserve jail time?  That's open for debate; in my opinion he does not.  But this isn't the point.  The point is, he broke the law, went to trial more than once, and had the case delayed then dismissed, much to the delight of his adoring fans who were eagerly awaiting the verdict.  Though the public forgave him, it's definitely true that he's been the source of much comic relief (see cartoons)

  

South Park makes fun of "Closet" video

And last but not least, the owner of the platinum, diamond-encrusted Celebrity Pass:

Come here, children.  Cum to Neverland....

• Michael Jackson    

Pardon me for speaking ill of the dead, but this guy was indicted not once, but twice for child molestation.  Did that stop us (myself included) from jamming to his classic '80s pop songs?  Nope.  I still think he's a great artist, and I won't stop listening to him. Ever.  But I won't defend him, either.  People are so blinded by his obvious genius that they overlook the fact that celebrities can be really bad people.  They are not gods, they're humans; mankind is capable of committing atrocities.  Am I comparing M.J. to Hitler?  No; nor am I saying he is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.  But the fact is, he is a grown man who admitted to sleeping in bed with children.  This might have been a ploy by the kid's family to extort money, or the kid might really have been victimized.  The point is, people refused to believe that their beloved performer might have performed some sexual acts on young boys.   We seem to conveniently forget this possible pedophilia when trying to memorize the dance to Thriller.





Other examples of lucky bastards include: Nicole Richie, O.J. Simpson, Roman Polanski, and Mark Wahlberg. But there are a shit ton of these people; I only named a handful.  Celebrity worship is stupid, unfair, and unfortunately, it's everywhere.

The Celebrity Pass is not always effective, however.  Examples of people whose Passes were either inactive or expired include Lil' Wayne (I thought he'd avoid jail time for sure), T.I. (ditto), Lil' Kim, and Tiger Woods (nobody let him off the hook for his dozen mistresses.  Yeah, he was still golfing, but nobody just let it go; he is STILL getting clowned for that ish).  Also, Mel Gibson.  After the anti-Semitic rant, then the tapes of abuse  toward rebound girlfriend and baby-mama Oksana were leaked, almost all of Hollywood wrote him off.  But then again, he's starring in an upcoming film called The Beaver....
....But it looks like a pretty bad flick; maybe Gibson's being punished after all.

Let's face it: when people get famous, they think they can wear anything (Lady Gaga, etc.), say anything (Tom Cruise, etc.), and break any law (anyone named above).  To a great extent, they're right.  As much as I hate to admit it, I help participate in this system as well.  Though I don't ignore the transgressions of the rich and famous, I typically don't boycott their works either.  I will keep listening to the songs of R. Kelly, Chris Brown and Michael Jackson.  Braveheart (Mel Gibson) will always be one of my favorite movies.  You get the point.  But what lesson does this teach them?  It teaches them to believe this: 'Because I'm wealthy and good-looking and starred in your favorite movie, I don't deserve punishment, and they [the masses] will always love me.'